Trying to Hold On
by ilovedyouguinevere
Summary: Blaine has clinical depression. And most of the time he does okay. But occasionally he has a bad day. Kurt stumbles across him on one of those days. Written for a prompt on the glee angst meme


I take a deep breath and swallow the pills in one gulp. I know the effects only start in an hour or so but already I feel better. Everything seems brighter and more positive. That's the power of suggestion I guess.

My bathroom is tiny, one shower, a sink and a toilet taking up the miniscule space with a mat of my own choosing in the middle of the floor. I'm glad I put the mat in, without it my slipper-free feet would be freezing right now. The space between the mat and the carpeted floor of my dorm is covered in cold tile and I jump to avoid standing on it.

The sound of my feet landing on the ground is heavy and I push the self-conscious thoughts of my weight aside and repeat my usual mantra. _Today will be a positive day._

But thinking positive thoughts is a whole lot easier in theory than in practice. The antidepressants help but nothing can stop the negativity that jumps at me at unexpected moments.

My dorm is a single one. Since I'm an upperclassman and on the council I get certain added privileges, one of which being that I don't have to share a room with someone. I know that some of the other boys would give an arm and a leg to be able to have a single dorm but I honestly don't care. Almost everyone at Dalton is easy to deal with and I've always been a social person. Even now that I have a single room I hardly ever spend time in it alone except to read and sleep.

The latter of which would be a good idea to get done. The only reason that I woke up at six this morning was to take my antidepressants and if I wasn't on them I would be celebrating the Saturday morning like the rest of the school by sleeping in.

I collapse onto my bed and pull the blankets around myself to keep from the bitter cold. It's still dark so my curtains are closed but I can bet that if I were to open them I would find a fresh new sheet of snow waiting for me.

My bedside lamp is the only light in the small room and I stare at it for a few moments, unsure about whether I want to lie here with it on or try and get some sleep. I'm undeniably tired but I don't know if I'll be able to get back to sleep after already waking up. This is the first time in a while that I've had the opportunity to go back to sleep after my medication so I don't have any strict routine to follow.

I like routine. It keeps the mind busy yet docile at the same time, preventing any unwanted thoughts from entering the system. When you're focused on a step by step schedule you don't really have time to be unsure or wary.

A door slams shut in the corridor outside and I wonder who's going to the bathroom. A cough betrays the person's identity and I realise that it's Kurt, who sleeps in the dorm two doors down from me with his roommate Josh. I can't stop myself from wondering whether he thought of me as he walked past my dorm. The fact that I obsess over small details like this makes me embarrassed and I turn off the light and pull my blanket over my head as if to hide from an invisible audience. Before I know it, I'm asleep.

My dreams are hauntingly terrible. Strange shapes linger just outside of my vision, taunting me to come and see who or what they are. Just as I get close enough they move away again. The game of cat and mouse continues for what seems like forever until finally I'm fast enough to discover the identity of one of the more prominent shadows.

I wake up with a start, the ghost of a silent scream still on my lips.

The room is brighter than when I last left it and I can hear shouts and laughter echoing from outside. I realize that I've been woken up by knocking on my door.

"Blaine?" it's Kurt's voice. "Are you in there?"

Before I can think about what a stupid idea it is I reply.

"Yeah come in Kurt"

Only then do I realize that my cheeks are stained with tears and Kurt walks in to find me in the rather compromising position of hanging half outside my bed to try and reach for the box of tissues on my dresser.

"Uh, did I interrupt something?" He asks.

"No, it's fine" I reply "I just woke up. What's up Kurt?"

"Well I was just coming to say goodbye. I'm going back home for the week for Christmas and won't be seeing you. My dad's waiting in the car outside and I wanted to say, uh, bye before I left". Throughout this I can see that Kurt is a little shaken. He's staring at my face with a disturbingly perceptive expression and cuts off my reply "Blaine is something wrong?" he asks, closing the door behind him quietly and sitting on the end of my bed.

I try to keep it cool for a few seconds but I can't stop myself and he tears start rolling. I honestly thought today was going to be one of the better days. I had woken up feeling all positive and ready to take on the world but the dream had shaken me for some reason. It shattered my collected façade leaving me with inadequate time to pull myself together before Kurt's arrival.

I feel a pair of arms circle my shoulders and, sitting up now, I rest my head on Kurt's shoulder using it as a pillow to soften my shaking.

This continues for a few minutes and all the while Kurt is whispering kind things like "it'll get better Blaine" and "I'm here for you". By the time I eventually calm down I can tell he's pretty shaken.

He lifts my chin up to face him and, with his eyes looking into my soul, asks me the question.

"What's wrong Blaine?"

I sniff and wipe a tear from my eye. "It's stupid. You wouldn't care"

"I think I would Blaine. I think you need to tell me"

Would it really be a good idea to tell Kurt? Only a handful of people know my secret, none students at Dalton, and from past experience I know that gossip spreads like wildfire at this school. But Kurt is trustworthy. And he told me his biggest secret.

So I just do it.

"I have clinical depression Kurt" I say quietly. "I've had it ever since the eighth grade. My parents know and I'm on medication and seeing a therapist but every once in a while I just, well I just crack you know? Like suddenly everything turns terrible and I'm left wondering what the point of it all is"

Why am I even trying to get him to empathize with me? How could he possible understand?

"I understand" Kurt breathes deeply. "Blaine I don't know why you haven't told me about this before. It's clear that it's putting a lot of pressure on you and I know full well how it feels to go through pressure all by yourself. Sharing the problem doesn't double it, it halves it". I can't help but smile at the analogy. It's cheesy and ridiculous but so Kurt that I can't even begin to describe it.

"It all started when I left my old school" I say feeling another tear coming. "The guy who bullied me there knew why I left and I had never told anyone about the incidents between us. As far as my parents knew, I was leaving because of Dalton's superior academic track record. So he knew that I left because of him. It feels like every time I close my eyes I can see his face and I know how he knew that I was too cowardly to face him and that I was just running away from…from" I can't finish the sentence and start to sob again.

Kurt is amazing and continues to whisper the sweet, kind things like before. I feel like I'm being dragged away by a fierce ocean current and Kurt is the only thing I have left to hold onto to prevent myself from being swept out to sea.

"I'm a coward aren't I?" I cry "I'll never be as brave as you Kurt. I'll never be a good person".

For the first time in my lie I see Kurt angry. "Don't you dare say that Blaine!" he suddenly shouts. "Don't you dare! You are the most amazing person I've ever met and I wouldn't be half of who I am today without you!"

I look up my face stained with tears. "Do you really mean all that?" I mumble.

"Do I really mean all that? Of course I mean all that! Blaine you are too good to let this depression get the best of you! We're going to beat it okay? Both of us! I refuse to see you like this again!" He grabs a tissue from his bag with a flourish and wipes the tears on my face away. "Ypu said that you're staying here this holiday because your parents are in Milan right?" he asks.

"Yeah" I mumble.

"Well it's the first Christmas that we're having with both families combined and I'm sure my mom and dad would love to meet you. So get dressed and pack a bag and meet me down in the parking lot in fifteen minutes. No excuses okay? I'll be waiting"

And with that he prances out the room, leaving me feeling more flustered and happy and worried and amazed and flabbergasted than I've ever felt before.


End file.
